Steven McRae: Dancing Back to the Light

Friday, 14 March 2025

BBC Two, 9pm

Steven McRae, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

“I was, work, work, work. Eating was just an accessory. I could feel my body starting to struggle and fight. I just wanted to perform. I can tell you, I was miserable. Absolutely miserable” – Steven McRae

Wednesday, 16 October 2019. Yes, we’re going back in time, before anyone had heard of Covid-19. Steven McRae: Dancing Back to the Light returns to the moment when Royal Ballet Principal Steven McRae’s Achilles* tendon ruptured on stage during the second act of a performance of Manon. The performance had to be stopped; audience members, dancers and staff backstage at the Royal Opera House frozen in horror as his agonizing screams rend the air. Shortly afterwards, the show continued with Reece Clarke in the Principal role. The brutality of ballet laid bare for all to see.

Artist or athlete ?

This Achilles injury will not be McRae’s only serious injury; he has since had a full anterior cruciate ligament (ACL)** reconstruction (meniscus and lateral ligament included) – but it is the focus of this film directed by Stéphane Carrel, which follows McRae over the course of his rehab.

The film is candidly narrated by McRae, beginning with the audience announcement of his injury still running through his mind. He says it’s been two years since his Achilles snapped; that the accident has been all-consuming and that he has still not been back to the stage. He has a day-to-day focus and says he feels in control of the situation, whilst wryly admitting that the reality somewhat differs. His day begins at 8.30 am, arriving at the Royal Opera House and continuing through gym sessions, on to Pilates and then rehearsals.

Prior to his Manon performance, McRae had felt in pain but also that he had to do the show, which seems incredulous to him now. When his Achilles ruptured, he says it felt like “a knife had (he mimes a knife slicing) my Achilles.” Surgery followed, then a cast, which made him feel useless. A boot followed “for a very long time. Realistically it took an entire year for me to feel semi-confident to walk. A year. It was torture. Once I was in the trainers, initially, any walking I did lasted five minutes, maybe, maximum. But slowly, over time, working with my physio, he then said it was time to return to the Opera House and ‘let’s begin the next chapter of the rehab’. This phase of the rehab tested me.”

Steven McRae cooling his feet down in buckets of ice, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

18 months pass, and it’s time for another significant shift in the rehab. McRae says “collectively we decided to try and move away from 24 hour focus on this one region of your body. Let’s now think of ballet. Trying to dance. My head instantly went into ‘what if I actually can’t dance, any more ?'”

And the mind games continued, “every day I leave the Opera House, this goes through my head : ‘did I do enough ? Did I achieve enough today ?’ Then there’s the fear of ‘did I do too much ?’ Because if I’ve done too much, then I can’t do anything tomorrow.’ That naturally creates an energy in your system.”

At home, talking to his wife, former Royal Ballet dancer Elizabeth Harrod, he says “I feel like I’m on a knife edge. It’s quite humiliating, to be honest. I know I’m making progress, but it still needs to be more.”

Steven McRae trying on his Nutcracker costume ,Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

Romeo, Romeo

The documentary moves to the focus of McRae’s return to ballet – Romeo & Juliet; the first full length ballet he ever tackled. He is partnered with Sarah Lamb and is coached by fellow Aussie and former Royal Ballet Principal, Leanne Benjamin. Acupuncture is followed by massage, then more rehearsals until Benjamin says of his dancing, through tears, “it’s really emotional. It was terrific.”

Finally, McRae walks to the stage. “I need to be able to feel at home again. I don’t want to stand there, feeling traumatized by the space,” he says, simply. “Would I go back and change any of it ?” (If you know anything about Steven McRae, you know what’s coming). “Why would I want to do that ? This is my story now.”

in a break from rehab, the students at The Royal Ballet School benefit from McRae’s experiences. Of his time pre-injury, he tells them he was “work, work, work. Eating was just an accessory. I could feel my body starting to struggle and fight. I just wanted to perform. I can tell you, I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. I’d think I was having the highest of highs when I was on that stage, but I would get to the dressing room and I was just …. nothing. The curtain came down and somebody pulled a plug out of me. Every. Single. Night. And that really started to worry me.”

In the end McRae suffered four years of Achilles pain; not listening, not asking for help, pushing to do more. He’s very clear, almost pleading with them, that this is emphatically not what he wants the students to do.

Steven McRae, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

Nutcracker : Yes or No ?

McRae’s next milestone moment is a full rehearsal with the entire Company, and he says that the thought of it makes him go weak at the knees. Why ? Back to mind games, as he asks rhetorical questions, “‘do you think you’ll be able to do it ?’ And if I’m asking those questions, everyone in the studio will be asking the same questions.'” At the end of the rehearsal, the whole Company claps. It’s a big deal, but there’s more to come as the day of the show arrives and he marvels, “I couldn’t walk. I’m about to go on and do Romeo.”

The next ballet appears on the horizon – The Nutcracker, with McRae’s team keen to emphasise that this schedule might not be achievable, and that in the grand scheme of things he shouldn’t stress about it if it doesn’t happen. And so, it’s back to the gym, Pilates, ice baths, quiet train commutes (this is the Covid era), until the moment he’s not been waiting for.

One of his medical team says, “my strong recommendation is we need to cancel Nutcracker. Terrible news for you right now, but let’s make a tough decision on the next week to give ourselves the best chance of coming back in 10 weeks time, which you know you can do… That’s a safer trajectory to get back.”

Why am I not learning ?

McRae talks to his friend and former Royal Ballet Principal Federico Bonelli (now Artistic Director at Northern Ballet), and describes feeling embarrassed, not enough. “My first thought was ‘what prescribed painkillers can I take that I can get back on that stage in 2 days time ?’ That is crazy. Why am I not learning ?”

So let’s answer his question.

Dr Tara Swart is a neuroscientist & medical doctor, and I spoke to her because this is a neuroscience question. Dr Tara says, “I always say there’s no biology without psychology and there’s no psychology without biology. The adrenaline high at the end of the performance, with the adulation, that’s the reward, and there’s dopamine involved in that too, because that’s the reward chemical. I would say, because obviously Steven’s a man, that there’s testosterone involved too. High levels of testosterone make you very competitive. Obviously, in The Royal Ballet it is about outstanding performance and perfection and high standards. So that narrative feeds into people’s testosterone and dopamine. Once he was injured, cortisol will be the main thing that’s at play because adrenaline is very short term. Adrenaline helps you run away from the sabre-toothed tiger. Even If you’re in a bit of pain, you can use the adrenaline to escape for short term, but longer term, cortisol is the stress hormone that starts to derange all of your thinking, and will prevent you from learning. When you’ve got high levels of cortisol, which comes from the adrenal glands, it goes around the blood, it goes through the blood-brain barrier and there are receptors in the brain that look out for high levels of cortisol, because they see that as a threat to your survival. And to help you to survive, the brain goes into what I call low power mode, so the blood supply to the brain goes only to the survival centres and not to the higher functions like flexible thinking, learning, problem solving, overriding natural biases that we all have. So it’s ironic, because at the time that you need it the most, your ability to carry out – these are called executive functions – the highest functions of the brain is actually impaired.”

So this is why dancers can become stuck in these patterns. Dr Tara continues, “yes. Cortisol, at the most basic, is fear, anger, distress, shame and sadness. And then the bonding hormone [oxytocin], which is the other side of the seesaw, and they can’t coexist, are love, trust, joy and excitement. And that’s what they want. But when they’re flooded with cortisol, they can’t feel that. They want the joy and the excitement and the love, but they’re in the state of fear and shame.”

The dance of the hormones

Throughout this film, you’ll have heard about adrenaline, and so I wanted to dive deeper into its effects on dancers. We need to back up a little, as Dr Tara explains, “magnesium is depleted by stress, but magnesium is helpful for stress. So it can actually help us deal with stress. But when we’ve got high levels of adrenaline or cortisol, the body just uses up so much magnesium and it’s too much to replace by eating. So you have to supplement. And it’s just another thing that in the moment of being that stressed, you won’t think of things like that. So it’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy and that’s where I think something like psychological intervention can maybe help them to break that cycle, longer term.”

Dr Tara continues, “it’s identifying that you are in that cortisol spiral and then identifying the things that you can do to get out of it, which would be talking therapy. There are levels of trauma that actually shut down the speech centers of the brain, so you can’t actually articulate what that drama is. And so physical therapy can help with that. Things like massage, yoga and obviously dance, but, if you can’t dance as a dancer, then that’s obviously more frustrating than an average person dancing around their living room, to release the trauma.”

Steven McRae training ,Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

Double Trouble : Rhapsody & Swan Lake

As the documentary drops in to McRae’s 36th birthday party (yes, there was cake), there follows company class and more rehearsals – this time with his long-time classics coach, Lesley Collier, as these rehearsals are all about Rhapsody which McRae describes as an “incredible challenge.” Collier tells him, “the more you work it sincerely, the better chance you have of a longer life.” Concurrently, he is rehearsing Swan Lake, both with Anna Rose O’Sullivan, and he describes this period as “potentially risky.” There are more ice baths, and he is “still nervous” about navigating his performance schedule. Once again, he talks to his friend Bonelli, where he says, “I think I’m tired of trying to get through it. I don’t want to get through it. I want to enjoy it.”

And then, during a Rhapsody rehearsal, a breakthrough : he seems happy. “Free. Pushing the boundaries. I actually had fun today” he says. Back home he says to his wife, “it takes so much, doesn’t it ?” and the film takes us back to his dressing room, sewing his shoes, massaging his feet, and on to hair and make-up.

#anythingispossible

Before long, we’re back with adrenaline. “Every time I step on stage, the ultimate goal is to try to transform somebody else’s life with what I do. That’s what I need dance to be able to do. Trouble is, when you feel that passion ignite, then it’s very easy to get carried away. Adrenaline kicks in and it starts to mask different aches or pains and suddenly you think ‘I feel great, let’s do more, one more step, I’ll push, maybe I’ll do another jump.’ I want to be the artist again. I want the freedom to soar across the room.”

At the end of the Rhapsody performance, he says “There’s nothing like it.”

Steven wants the ballet profession to change; because maintaining peak performance “6 days a week is not healthy.” He wants change to allow him to choose when to stop dancing, rather than being forced to stop because his body can no longer withstand the intense workload.

Dr Tara, a ballet enthusiast, adds some advice she gave to dancers, “you have to remember how much joy it [dancing] brings to people, how emotional it is for us.”

Breaking the cycle

Dr Tara suggests magnesium supplementation, “after the show, to help them to relax and calm down and reset their nervous system for sleep. And they want to eat afterwards; you’ve basically done a workout for three hours so they’re starving. One of my rules is there must be a two hour gap between finishing eating and going to sleep, because if your blood supply is in your digestion, you won’t sleep. So they do have these very late nights and eating late isn’t a good habit, but obviously they have to. So I think magnesium after a show would help them to unwind and be able to sleep better. I bathe in magnesium flakes three to five times a week.”

Counterbalance that cortisol

Dr Tara also suggests, “all the things that can bring you oxytocin because that’s the only way to try to balance out the cortisol. If you don’t have insight that cortisol is really running your brain and your body it’s kind of hard to see the wood for the trees, but if you know that laughing with friends or physical affection with your family; for me, going to the ballet is an oxytocin-inducing thing. So you’re just trying to incorporate those things so that you’re mindfully trying to counterbalance that cortisol, which you may not be able to control as easily.”

Dr Tara also recommends meditation. “There’s research on the US Marines¹ – mindfulness-based meditation therapy showed that the group who were trained for 12 weeks in advance of going onto a war zone obviously had benefits. They had less insomnia, less anxiety, less restlessness. But when the control group said, ‘well, we can really see that that made a difference, is it too late for us to start ?’, they were taught whilst they were already in the war zone and it made a difference quite quickly. So it’s never too late, but you know, in regular schools, they’re now trying to help teachers to teach children how to meditate. They should be doing that at White Lodge.”

Ballet News contacted The Royal Ballet School to ask whether they were teaching their students to meditate, and a spokesperson responded, “regarding meditation, we have a support system in place for our students at both locations through the Healthy Dancer Programme. This platform is designed to promote not only physical well-being but also the psychological resilience and emotional balance essential for performance success. As part of this programme, our in-house psychologist and counsellor engage with students using a variety of meditation techniques to support their performance management. These strategies help dancers develop mental skills such as focus, confidence, and stress management—key components of excelling in high-pressure performance settings. The sessions are offered as 121 or conducted in group settings. One-on-one sessions allow for personalised guidance, addressing specific challenges a student may face, while group sessions are particularly beneficial when preparing for major performances/assessments/auditions, as they help students develop effective self-management strategies.”

Ballet News contacted Steven McRae and asked whether he meditates, and he said that he uses visualisation. I wrote about a masterclass where he spoke about its use, describing his injury at that time as “black, red, broken twigs,” later improving to “still black but I can see water going through the twigs.”

Rudyard Kipling’s If—

Bringing to mind Rudyard Kipling’s poem, If— this film (Marmite cuts and all – neck joint-cracking ASMR, anyone ?) explores McRae’s unwavering, single-minded, laser focused determination to rehabilitate from serious injury. Still, for someone seemingly made from the human equivalent of graphene, a handful of surgeries in a short-ish window tests the mental strength of anyone. If, through his bravery and willingness to be seen at all stages of the process, meaningful change can be expedited, then the trauma he has experienced will help future generations.

Steven McRae: Dancing Back to the Light will be available on iplayer shortly after transmission.

Steven McRae & Sarah Lamb in rehearsal, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

Steven McRae during a performance of Rhapsody, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

Steven McRae, Flair Production, Stephane Carrel

References

For a deeper dive into stress, as well as how to use visualisation effectively, I recommend watching Dr Tara Swart’s episode of the Diary Of A CEO podcast (with 22 million views & counting, across all platforms). You can also listen to the episode.

1. Modifying Resilience Mechanisms in At-Risk Individuals: A Controlled Study of Mindfulness Training in Marines Preparing for Deployment. Douglas C. Johnson, Ph.D., Nathaniel J. Thom, Ph.D., Elizabeth A.Stanley, Ph.D., Lori Haase, Ph.D., Alan N. Simmons, Ph.D., Pei-an B.Shih, Ph.D., Wesley K. Thompson, Ph.D., Eric G. Potterat, Ph.D., Thomas R. Minor, Ph.D., and Martin P. Paulus, M.D.

Publication: American Journal of Psychiatry Volume 171, Number 8. Published Date: 1 August 2014

Steven McRae’s achilles reconstruction was carried out by Professor James Calder.

*the Achilles tendon connects the calf muscle to the heel

** Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) is one of four knee ligaments, attaching to one end of the thigh bone (femur) and and on the other to the shin bone (tibia)