People often assume that having a lot of a sex in a relationship indicates that they’re madly in love. So when our partner says they’re not in the mood, we might feel like they're just not that into us anymore. No one likes rejection! Instead of getting mad or sulking, Fitzpatrick encourages couples to use moments like these as an opportunity to compromise and find out what each person is a “yes” to. Jazmine says that she and her partner were both committed to finding a balance, so they'd take moments of discrepancy as an opportunity to talk things out.

“When rejection happens, it's crucial for me to detach desire from love and acknowledge that our desires won't always align,” she shares. “Communication has been absolutely crucial so I might say, 'I understand you're not feeling it right now, but I really crave your touch.' This can sometimes lead to intercourse, but it also encourages him to express his own desires."

For some couples, a compromise might involve opting into consensual non-monogamy. Rohan, 31, and Maya, 28, noticed the mismatch in their sex drives one year into dating. “What we initially attributed to stress turned out to be a mutual attraction to others beyond our relationship,” Rohan explains. ”When they realized that they were both bisexual, opening the marriage seemed like a natural step. Being open and honest about our needs and attractions, including seeing other people occasionally, has helped us build trust in our relationship."

Building Non-Sexual Intimacy in Relationships

Ultimately, we set our relationships up for failure when we hyper-fixate on penetrative sex or having an orgasm as the only way to be intimate with a partner. Sex is indeed a powerful way to express love and desire, but it's not the only way—and there are a myriad of things outside of sex that make up a good relationship. Letting go of how things “should” look when it comes to intimacy helps us find all the methods we can use to express the desire we feel towards our partner.

Manser encourages couples to brainstorm a list of activities they enjoy doing together that focus more on a physical connection outside of an orgasm or sex. “Maybe that is taking a bath with one another, giving each other massages, cuddling, or kissing without expectations of it going beyond that,” she says. Jazmine and her partner build intimacy by cooking together, exploring new hobbies, and simply spending quality time together. “These shared moments nourish our intimacy just as much as physical connection,” she says.